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Sunday, October 23, 2016
Friday, February 6, 2015
Perspective on Vaccines by a Cancer Mom. Seeing the Gray.
We live in a world of gray. Many shades of black and white.....
There is nothing in my adult life that troubles me more than those who cannot see the gray in deep issues. We should vaccinate... We shouldn't vaccinate... Black and White... This just is not the case with anything, let alone vaccines. I feel I have some unique perspective. You see I identify as being one of those "crunchy" moms. Granola, hippie, natural... you get the point. I had heard the horror stories about vaccines and felt strongly about them. We chose attachment parenting, baby wearing, nursing, etc..... A common movement among mothers today. I was not sure I was okay with the risks of the vaccines when a lot of these diseases seem to be eradicated diseases. And I know this is a common thought process. I also have met numerous moms who believe firmly that vaccination is the reason for a serious medical issue they experienced or are still experiencing with a child. It seemed very scary as a first time mom.
The flip side to this is my current reality. Years after I had to make these decisions about vaccines, I am also the mother of a radiant 4.5 year old. Big blue eyes, adorable blonde curls, and personality for miles. She is my baby. My only child. A child in treatment for cancer.
At 2.5 years old our worlds were turned upside down when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. Did you know 1 out of 285 children (American Cancer Society) will be diagnosed with cancer before the age of 20? Here we were... a statistic. I had questioned and fussed over every last vaccination my child did or did not get, but there I was... the mother of a child who was going to deal with issues of zero immunity and my child could NOT be vaccinated until her 2-3 year treatment had been finished for a year. My reality now... my child is living in a small city with a confirmed measles case and cannot get her second vaccination shot as a cancer patient. My child got her first measles vaccination (with much hesitation from mom), but that does not guarantee her immunity and she cannot get her second shot. Realization that cancer impedes your access to vaccines when you suddenly need them. That is scary my friends. And believe me... noone thinks this is going to happen to them. So now here I am. A paradox. I am a crunchy mom who was very wary of vaccines, that is now scared to have my children around children that are not vaccinated. How the tables can turn. Welcome to our unfair world of gray.....
When my daughter came to the age that she needed vaccines there was a lot of hysteria going around in the realm of vaccines being dangerous. My husband is a pharmacist and has his doctorate in pharmaceutical science. We both wanted to make an educated and informed decision on whether or not Nieva was going to have vaccines administered. Since my husband works in a field where vaccines are administered regularly, and I know him to be conservative on anything that can cause toxicity, I decided to trust what he decided was best. We analyzed and discussed each immunization.
This is where the gray comes in. Turns out this wasn't easy. Our research brought us to the decision and to the knowledge that no matter what we do there is some risk involved. For the vast majority, people will respond as they should to the vaccines and will not have any side effects or problems from taking them. Because they took the vaccines, it is less likely they will have life-threatening conditions later in their life. For this reason, I completely understand the majority of America's stance on this issue. It does however stand to reason that a lot of people still have claimed serious problems from taking the vaccines. Down to even specific lot numbers of vaccines. It is not a perfect system, and it is so hard to know who will be the next statistic.
We decided, for example, to not do the chickenpox vaccine. The reason being that it is not typically a deadly or dangerous virus. Not getting chicken pox as a child can also actually result in a harsher sickness as an adult. It is interesting to say now though, we are dealing with a child who is at higher risk of complications from the chicken pox than a normal child. Cancer treatment often brings their immunity down to zero for periods of time. But even when immunity is "normal," the risk for it to decline is worse than normal children,. Due to this, risk of complications or death is greatly increased. Fact... most children that pass away while in treatment for cancer do not die from the cancer itself. They will die from a secondary medical issue, or from a side effect of their treatment. Any kind of contracted illness that a normal child may handle with ease, an immune compromised child could have serious complications with.
I am now realizing our decision to not treat our child with the chickenpox vaccine was something that could hypothetically cost her her life. In our instance, if she would have contracted it or maybe if she still does before treatment ends, her counts could drop to nothing and the littlest thing could cause hospitalization. That being said, I as a mom worry... who will she get chickenpox from? Children that have not been vaccinated could be the children that cause serious complications or death in our own child.
The gray continues on though. I realize it is possible we could have decided to do all of our vaccines at once instead of spreading out the ones we chose to give her, and she could have had a serious complication from the vaccines. We don't know. As with everything in life there are risks and benefits to weigh.
We play this game called life and there is no way to know. People belittle parents that know they saw the light leave their child's eyes after getting a vaccination. We do not have the right to tell that parent they are wrong or there is no way that is possible. We are not that child's parent. We were not there. So I cannot cast blame on that parent for not vaccinating future children.
Every issue conceivable in this world is gray to some extent. There are always multiple perspectives, and it is important as individuals that we weigh those perspectives accordingly, despite our own background and biases. So please when you argue against vaccinating your children, remember the children with cancer. I could have never guessed that I would be the mother this would happen to. We don't live in a perfect world. Our world is broken and complicated. I do not judge the mothers who did not vaccinate, or still choose not to vaccinate. I am a mom and I was there. But when it comes to vaccines... this is our food for thought. This is my story of gray.
There is nothing in my adult life that troubles me more than those who cannot see the gray in deep issues. We should vaccinate... We shouldn't vaccinate... Black and White... This just is not the case with anything, let alone vaccines. I feel I have some unique perspective. You see I identify as being one of those "crunchy" moms. Granola, hippie, natural... you get the point. I had heard the horror stories about vaccines and felt strongly about them. We chose attachment parenting, baby wearing, nursing, etc..... A common movement among mothers today. I was not sure I was okay with the risks of the vaccines when a lot of these diseases seem to be eradicated diseases. And I know this is a common thought process. I also have met numerous moms who believe firmly that vaccination is the reason for a serious medical issue they experienced or are still experiencing with a child. It seemed very scary as a first time mom.
The flip side to this is my current reality. Years after I had to make these decisions about vaccines, I am also the mother of a radiant 4.5 year old. Big blue eyes, adorable blonde curls, and personality for miles. She is my baby. My only child. A child in treatment for cancer.
At 2.5 years old our worlds were turned upside down when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. Did you know 1 out of 285 children (American Cancer Society) will be diagnosed with cancer before the age of 20? Here we were... a statistic. I had questioned and fussed over every last vaccination my child did or did not get, but there I was... the mother of a child who was going to deal with issues of zero immunity and my child could NOT be vaccinated until her 2-3 year treatment had been finished for a year. My reality now... my child is living in a small city with a confirmed measles case and cannot get her second vaccination shot as a cancer patient. My child got her first measles vaccination (with much hesitation from mom), but that does not guarantee her immunity and she cannot get her second shot. Realization that cancer impedes your access to vaccines when you suddenly need them. That is scary my friends. And believe me... noone thinks this is going to happen to them. So now here I am. A paradox. I am a crunchy mom who was very wary of vaccines, that is now scared to have my children around children that are not vaccinated. How the tables can turn. Welcome to our unfair world of gray.....
When my daughter came to the age that she needed vaccines there was a lot of hysteria going around in the realm of vaccines being dangerous. My husband is a pharmacist and has his doctorate in pharmaceutical science. We both wanted to make an educated and informed decision on whether or not Nieva was going to have vaccines administered. Since my husband works in a field where vaccines are administered regularly, and I know him to be conservative on anything that can cause toxicity, I decided to trust what he decided was best. We analyzed and discussed each immunization.
This is where the gray comes in. Turns out this wasn't easy. Our research brought us to the decision and to the knowledge that no matter what we do there is some risk involved. For the vast majority, people will respond as they should to the vaccines and will not have any side effects or problems from taking them. Because they took the vaccines, it is less likely they will have life-threatening conditions later in their life. For this reason, I completely understand the majority of America's stance on this issue. It does however stand to reason that a lot of people still have claimed serious problems from taking the vaccines. Down to even specific lot numbers of vaccines. It is not a perfect system, and it is so hard to know who will be the next statistic.
We decided, for example, to not do the chickenpox vaccine. The reason being that it is not typically a deadly or dangerous virus. Not getting chicken pox as a child can also actually result in a harsher sickness as an adult. It is interesting to say now though, we are dealing with a child who is at higher risk of complications from the chicken pox than a normal child. Cancer treatment often brings their immunity down to zero for periods of time. But even when immunity is "normal," the risk for it to decline is worse than normal children,. Due to this, risk of complications or death is greatly increased. Fact... most children that pass away while in treatment for cancer do not die from the cancer itself. They will die from a secondary medical issue, or from a side effect of their treatment. Any kind of contracted illness that a normal child may handle with ease, an immune compromised child could have serious complications with.
I am now realizing our decision to not treat our child with the chickenpox vaccine was something that could hypothetically cost her her life. In our instance, if she would have contracted it or maybe if she still does before treatment ends, her counts could drop to nothing and the littlest thing could cause hospitalization. That being said, I as a mom worry... who will she get chickenpox from? Children that have not been vaccinated could be the children that cause serious complications or death in our own child.
The gray continues on though. I realize it is possible we could have decided to do all of our vaccines at once instead of spreading out the ones we chose to give her, and she could have had a serious complication from the vaccines. We don't know. As with everything in life there are risks and benefits to weigh.
We play this game called life and there is no way to know. People belittle parents that know they saw the light leave their child's eyes after getting a vaccination. We do not have the right to tell that parent they are wrong or there is no way that is possible. We are not that child's parent. We were not there. So I cannot cast blame on that parent for not vaccinating future children.
Every issue conceivable in this world is gray to some extent. There are always multiple perspectives, and it is important as individuals that we weigh those perspectives accordingly, despite our own background and biases. So please when you argue against vaccinating your children, remember the children with cancer. I could have never guessed that I would be the mother this would happen to. We don't live in a perfect world. Our world is broken and complicated. I do not judge the mothers who did not vaccinate, or still choose not to vaccinate. I am a mom and I was there. But when it comes to vaccines... this is our food for thought. This is my story of gray.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Shall we Fly or Soar? Indie Blossom
John Steinbeck said:
"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."
Time is a hard concept for me. It never seems to have passed quite as fast as it has. It flies and it blurs so quickly. I look back at photos and it seems so recent. Last year, 5 years, 10 years.... Nieva's baby photos and me much more vibrant, happy, and strong.
I found myself today reflecting on 10 years in particular. Maybe it is that I turn that dreaded 3-0 next April, but I have found myself thinking a lot about what I have done over these past years. Recounting this proverbial flight, I thought of the negative first of course, because we are always too hard on ourselves. That came with looking in the mirror and being upset with myself for an extra 15 pounds, lots of lumpy bumpy, white sun deprived skin, and bouts of stress-induced acne. Well fun.... 10 years isn't looking radiant.... I need to pull this mess together a bit more before 30. Don't need any mid-life crises on top of all the other crazy. ;)
Then there is my business. After 10+ years of loving photography to 5 years of working very hard to build my name, clients, income...... and then realizing finally now how much I have missed in those 5 years again by over booking, over-stressing, and trying to be the best I could be. A give and take like college... I giving 5 years to school. Working hard on my grades and passionately learning so much. Getting to study abroad a semester in England, travel to a dozen different countries, and start learning French, expand my musical knowledge.... I do not regret the learning, but I admittedly felt the blur as I signed those student loans. They are here now. This desire to make something of my degree and see success drove me and cost me a lot of moments with family and friends.
Time lost with my family..... I flew alone. Pushed away not just family, but friends, and even my soul-mate and daughter as I burrowed myself into a thought process of career success, material desire, and maybe worst of all the wish to have everyone approve of me and everything I did in my process. And storms came as they do.... Having experienced cancer over and over through the loss of my father-in-law, several family passing, and then our own daughter's current battle with Leukemia. It begins to put into perspective the weight of relationships and what is truly important. How delicate this world around us is. How illness and death will change everything.
I had been raised so lucky... All 4 of my grandparents are still living and I get to see them frequently. I knew great-grandmothers and a great-great grandmother in my life. From the age of 4-18 I experienced no loss. My family was all close and "normal" (Well mostly ha!). We went to church. I painted, sang, crafted, learned, and dreamed.... Oh how I dreamed..... Maybe I did too much of that? ;)
Despite those first 18 years, I feel like I have spent 10+ years since in a desk or on a computer. So many great memories, but so many dark places too. Fighting depression, anxiety, self-doubt, and rejection. The realization was harsh and sad. I need to see something brighter. The realization that its been about 10 years since I have completed art just for me... 3-4 years since I have sat down and knit or crocheted or made jewelry. I go months in between seeing family that lives a short drive away and months without exploring, making an effort to do or see something new, or reach out to friends... I feel I created a successful business I love and an art I have done well with, but today is the day to reanalyze. I sat down and set new lower limits for what I will accept this coming year. So I can give clients and my family more time and energy. That is at the cost of income, but I am okay with it. I don't want to fly tirelessly. I want to glide... soar... see the smiles along the way.
So this is the beginning I suppose. A realization that experiencing the journey of life is worth so much more than the final destination. What is success? What is our final destination? Is it making more than your colleagues? A better house or car? More social scenes... more stuff..... What is all that in our final moments? In seeing the final moments of those we love? What if your child or spouse was gone in the blink of an eye? Would you wish you had looked in their eyes a bit more? A bit longer?
If I want to look back at myself 10 years ago I believe I know what I would say. SLOW down. Relationships are more important than things. What is success? We all have different definitions and mine have changed this year. Success is being respected for your spirit and actions. Success is being rich in laughter, and full of love. Success is accepting that no-one is perfect and that we are all on our own journey. Success is respecting all life by emulating the teachings of Christ. Success is a happy home (regardless of its size or the things in it).
This year was a roller coaster. A year darker and more damning than anything I have ever experienced. But there was that light. There is always light. I had to feel everything along the way. The aching and horrible pain of anxiousness and wishing it wasn't them. I am thankful for that light. It pulls you to the surface again, and for me that light is also realization. Every day I look at my daughter and feel thankful for another day. It is hard to be away from her. I am aware of her in a way I never was because of I was too busy to be. The idea we could have lost her in the mess of my own self-pursuit. The idea I still could lose her. This is my life now, and I am stopped in my tracks knowing it could always be worse. It could get worse. But I am gracious for now and am trying to let go and trust it will be okay. This was my journey, and is my journey. I was happy in the beginning and I have finally found myself again. This is our lives right? Our only one. Fly well.
<3 -A
"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."
Time is a hard concept for me. It never seems to have passed quite as fast as it has. It flies and it blurs so quickly. I look back at photos and it seems so recent. Last year, 5 years, 10 years.... Nieva's baby photos and me much more vibrant, happy, and strong.
I found myself today reflecting on 10 years in particular. Maybe it is that I turn that dreaded 3-0 next April, but I have found myself thinking a lot about what I have done over these past years. Recounting this proverbial flight, I thought of the negative first of course, because we are always too hard on ourselves. That came with looking in the mirror and being upset with myself for an extra 15 pounds, lots of lumpy bumpy, white sun deprived skin, and bouts of stress-induced acne. Well fun.... 10 years isn't looking radiant.... I need to pull this mess together a bit more before 30. Don't need any mid-life crises on top of all the other crazy. ;)
Then there is my business. After 10+ years of loving photography to 5 years of working very hard to build my name, clients, income...... and then realizing finally now how much I have missed in those 5 years again by over booking, over-stressing, and trying to be the best I could be. A give and take like college... I giving 5 years to school. Working hard on my grades and passionately learning so much. Getting to study abroad a semester in England, travel to a dozen different countries, and start learning French, expand my musical knowledge.... I do not regret the learning, but I admittedly felt the blur as I signed those student loans. They are here now. This desire to make something of my degree and see success drove me and cost me a lot of moments with family and friends.
Time lost with my family..... I flew alone. Pushed away not just family, but friends, and even my soul-mate and daughter as I burrowed myself into a thought process of career success, material desire, and maybe worst of all the wish to have everyone approve of me and everything I did in my process. And storms came as they do.... Having experienced cancer over and over through the loss of my father-in-law, several family passing, and then our own daughter's current battle with Leukemia. It begins to put into perspective the weight of relationships and what is truly important. How delicate this world around us is. How illness and death will change everything.
I had been raised so lucky... All 4 of my grandparents are still living and I get to see them frequently. I knew great-grandmothers and a great-great grandmother in my life. From the age of 4-18 I experienced no loss. My family was all close and "normal" (Well mostly ha!). We went to church. I painted, sang, crafted, learned, and dreamed.... Oh how I dreamed..... Maybe I did too much of that? ;)
Despite those first 18 years, I feel like I have spent 10+ years since in a desk or on a computer. So many great memories, but so many dark places too. Fighting depression, anxiety, self-doubt, and rejection. The realization was harsh and sad. I need to see something brighter. The realization that its been about 10 years since I have completed art just for me... 3-4 years since I have sat down and knit or crocheted or made jewelry. I go months in between seeing family that lives a short drive away and months without exploring, making an effort to do or see something new, or reach out to friends... I feel I created a successful business I love and an art I have done well with, but today is the day to reanalyze. I sat down and set new lower limits for what I will accept this coming year. So I can give clients and my family more time and energy. That is at the cost of income, but I am okay with it. I don't want to fly tirelessly. I want to glide... soar... see the smiles along the way.
So this is the beginning I suppose. A realization that experiencing the journey of life is worth so much more than the final destination. What is success? What is our final destination? Is it making more than your colleagues? A better house or car? More social scenes... more stuff..... What is all that in our final moments? In seeing the final moments of those we love? What if your child or spouse was gone in the blink of an eye? Would you wish you had looked in their eyes a bit more? A bit longer?
If I want to look back at myself 10 years ago I believe I know what I would say. SLOW down. Relationships are more important than things. What is success? We all have different definitions and mine have changed this year. Success is being respected for your spirit and actions. Success is being rich in laughter, and full of love. Success is accepting that no-one is perfect and that we are all on our own journey. Success is respecting all life by emulating the teachings of Christ. Success is a happy home (regardless of its size or the things in it).
This year was a roller coaster. A year darker and more damning than anything I have ever experienced. But there was that light. There is always light. I had to feel everything along the way. The aching and horrible pain of anxiousness and wishing it wasn't them. I am thankful for that light. It pulls you to the surface again, and for me that light is also realization. Every day I look at my daughter and feel thankful for another day. It is hard to be away from her. I am aware of her in a way I never was because of I was too busy to be. The idea we could have lost her in the mess of my own self-pursuit. The idea I still could lose her. This is my life now, and I am stopped in my tracks knowing it could always be worse. It could get worse. But I am gracious for now and am trying to let go and trust it will be okay. This was my journey, and is my journey. I was happy in the beginning and I have finally found myself again. This is our lives right? Our only one. Fly well.
<3 -A
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
...:: Bold, Blooming, Beautiful :::... Indie Blossom
Something new is in the works. I am an old soul, with a mind that does not stop whirring. I am enamored by the creative arts and soothed by tea, laughter and learning. The past few years have been a journey for me, for my husband, and for my sweet daughter.
Over the past 5+ years I have graduated college with my B.A., married my long-time friend, opened my own business, had a child, had said child diagnosed with Leukemia... reanalyzed every thought process I had ever had prior, and ended right here... at this blog. A new beginning as our daughter heals, as my views of life and this world have been shattered and reconstituted into something so much greater than I could have believed possible prior. Seinfeld was a show about nothing. This is a blog about nothing. It is just glimpses into my dad to day. Professional photographer by trade I will share personal projects, dietary epiphanies (We are vegetarians), Decluttering adventures, crafting, travels, hopes, dreams, poems, and whatever else comes to heart.
I cannot promise profound... just real... just me... and this crazy life that is mine.
Love & Light
Over the past 5+ years I have graduated college with my B.A., married my long-time friend, opened my own business, had a child, had said child diagnosed with Leukemia... reanalyzed every thought process I had ever had prior, and ended right here... at this blog. A new beginning as our daughter heals, as my views of life and this world have been shattered and reconstituted into something so much greater than I could have believed possible prior. Seinfeld was a show about nothing. This is a blog about nothing. It is just glimpses into my dad to day. Professional photographer by trade I will share personal projects, dietary epiphanies (We are vegetarians), Decluttering adventures, crafting, travels, hopes, dreams, poems, and whatever else comes to heart.
I cannot promise profound... just real... just me... and this crazy life that is mine.
Love & Light
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